When Daddy is away....

Mr. Silly Pants (known as Daddy) is away for 4 days. Yes, we're counting.

We've made it a good 4 days - although I now know that single mama's and pappa's must have a steady supply of uppers to keep on pace. Goodness gracious - I have forgotten what it's like to do it solo (and I've been a single mama!).

So, when daddy is not here.....we're up and out the door at 7 a.m.

We're looking forward to his return home

Perspective on suckage

I could feel the suckage happening at work today.

Decision making time is drawing near.

Letters of intent were distributed today.

...but I feel totally engrossed in the little guy behind the glass above...

*AND*

I had a woman on my mind today.

She was in my tears last night.

He was brought into the world by her and through her.

He was loved by her - I imagine he looks like her

I grasped my husbands hands in bed last night and asked him to help me remember her

in word and out loud.

We spoke the things in our hearts.

Today, suckage be damned.

~Covenants~

Rear View Mirror

We need some groceries big time around here. Somehow the weekend came and went without a meal plan and without the efforts of Mr. Silly Pants to stock the shelves with goodness and nutrition. Thus, Blue and I made it a Whole Foods Whole Paycheck day. We were driving in the sunshine after having played outside on our deck in our fleece sweatshirts and boots - a welcome spring event. We even trudged over to the park bench and had a "sit"; scooping up melting snow we giggled and laughed and watched the warm snow melt in our hands.

I looked into my rear view mirror and had one of those breath-taking moments; I saw his perfectly deep brown almond shaped eyes looking right into mine. *Gasp* I thought,

THERE IS NO WAY I'M GOING BACK TO WORK FULL-TIME!

We grabbed a cart and enjoyed shopping and talking...somewhere near the pasta, I paused, overcome. I looked at Blueberry, leaned into him, gently kissed his cheek and whispered, "I couldn't love you more." Right at that moment a mother wheeled around the corner with a matching 2 year old in her cart, witnessing my intimate moment with my son. Caught red handed loving my little one - she gave me a tender and delightful smile. WE both proceeded to shop, not a word between us - but a knowing look that spoke volumes. 

*My cart is full* 

I wanted to record this because it was so simple, and so sweet and so absolutely PURE and TOTAL.

-------------------------------------------

ETA: Job situation -

Thanks for all the great comments. I wanted to say that because of structural/institutional stuff at my HS, job sharing isn't an option. Our department has had staff reductions and my personal bid for part time isn't going to get supported. It's really an all or nothing question for this particular gig - this year, anyway. In a time of budget cuts (big ones this year, bigger next year) the scenario isn't good for part time work UNLESS the FTE's fall just right. This year they don't. Your thoughts are good ones, friends. I'm all over the friendly advice, and I really appreciate the empathetic "me too's" in the crowd. Thank you.  
(photo is of Blue practicing his "surprised" look - an eyebrow lift Songbird taught him)

Right back where I once was....

I'm in the middle of some pretty BIG personal/professional decisions. It's been an intense week. I have felt the love and support of my family - Mr. Silly Pants, Waffles, and Songbird have been around all week and their bright and shiny spirits have kept me afloat during a week I might have really gotten annoyed, discouraged, and aggravated. Oh, add frustrated and pissed OFF to the list.

I've got some decisions to make about what direction to take professionally. I *think* I am going to have GREAT difficulty negotiating for half time work for another year in my school district. The truth is that I really love working half time. The split between my family and my profession is just perfect right now. I feel like I am at about the top of my teaching game with a 40% work load. And, my home days with "the Blue" are superb. I love the balance right now. Blueberry loves the balance too - he's happy happy happy with his babysitter and it is oh so good for him to have other stimulating social environments with other kids. It's so damn good to feel like my parenting and my profession are in great balance. It's a hard place to figure how that would change if my ONLY option is to return to work full time. The dilemma is the ever changing landscape of Blueberry's needs - and my ability to meet them with enthusiasm and energy.  My biggest fear is making the WRONG decision. My sense is that years ago when I was in the midst of family building and a young marriage, I did a very poor job of strategizing for my own needs. I'm a much better advocate for myself now; I'm older, wiser, more centered, and more relationally secure and mature. But, hell, I can still make some doozie mistakes.  And I've got some road rash to prove it. Yeah yeah, don't we all?

 But really, I left my first marriage with NO professional experience and made a mad dash for a teaching certificate with an 'OH CRAP! I have to get a job and start a career!" I had been crafting a mini-career out of going to graduate school and changing my research topic with each gust of wind. I was LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY to land a job in a district that has cultural anthropology as part of their social studies requirement - the job is a perfect fit for me. Except, um, I HAVE to teach US history if I am teaching full time. And, the truth is I'm not a great history teacher (I am a great anthro teacher). Plus, I don't like the idea of leaving my 2 year old son for my full time job. Nor do I relish the thought of going to a job that isn't 9-5; teachers bring home piles of work, have oodles of homework to grade, and lessons upon lessons to rework/recraft in order to maintain superb teaching. I mean really....I fear that the combo of teaching full time is going to make Ms. Plum a ROTTEN TOMATO!

I feel an eerie and uncomfortable parallel with another time in my life - and this just feels like a huge decision and I don't entirely trust myself to make the best decision; one that honors the covenant I feel with my little Blueberry, and one that helps me maintain my sense of balance and power, both privately in my marriage and publicly in my intellectual and professional life. C'mon sisterhood, I know you hear me on this one! He just turned 2! My mama stuff says don't work full time. My self preservation stuff says don't give up this good gig.

ahhhhhhhhhh, so in the meantime we're slashing our budget (making a car trade this weekend, we think) and examining the "hows" and "whats" of a lot of changes in the fall. Did I mention my child support for my 3 kids ends in the fall, and I have 2 kids in college for the next 6 years? Yeah - work can't be off the table.

*putting it all out here is a little risky since I'm pretty sure colleague/kids have access to the blog and I don't want to say things that might inflame a certain situation*

The Chopping Block

30 Days of Nothing helped our family return to weekly menu planning. We've found it takes a lot of the stress of nightly dinner out of our evenings. Duh! It wasn't like we didn't know this, but our discipline was lacking. Sometimes Mr. Silly Pants and I aren't as good at being cooperatively organized as we could be, or as I imgagine we actually are. I think I am seeing this piece more clearly now. We kinda stink at the day to day cooperative stuff. We're pretty good at our own stuff. Perhaps we needed to muddle through some struggles in our daily lives (schedule) to get a little closer to 'smooth.' We both admit, it has been stressful to add a little whirling dirvish into our daily lives - precious, amazing, delightful, AND STRESSFUL! Blueberry requires cooperation and communication - no more fending for ourselves and then coming together at the end of the day. We changed the deal with marriage and little boy.

Honestly,  it's not just about getting our evenings in order - there IS Blueberry. Add to "the boy" effect that  I have been cooking for my family for many many years - um, like 21 to be exact - and there should be no surprise when I state, I'm just pretty darn tired of the work of family dinner. Frankly, I'm burned out on dinner cooking (that must be a thyroid of 9 talking). It seems the structural parts of this marriage and family have me right back in the thick of prepping the family meal for my husband's arrival home after work. I work part time - I'm home first, I'm home more, I'm home longer. I KNOW it makes sense to prepare the provisions most of the time. But, I don't exactly enjoy the dinner duties. Nope, I don't.

Tonight's meal was chicken salad the easy way; Organic Girl lettuce with our veges added and some breasts of chicken grilled up and added to the bowl. It's an easy dinner designed for tonight because I worked today, because Mr. Silly Pants and I try to eat a good salad meal at least once a week, and because our veges and greens are best at the start of the week before the wilt has set in.

The key is to make the prepping of dinner something that Blueberry and I enjoy doing together. This isn't easy for me; I'm sometimes about just getting the job done, I'm not too happy about dinner cooking anyway, I'm tired (9 again), and a toddler at the chopping block isn't exactly an efficient or even pleasant use of time. Yet, if we're going to eat as a family and eat at a reasonable time (say, 6:15-6:30) I have to figure out how to include our son in cooking dinner. (This is one place I feel the lack of sibs in the house, to be honest). 

Chef Blueberry and I got to work tonight and chopped and diced our little hearts out. His favorite addition was the handful of cashews; which he mostly crammed hungrily in his mouth

ate, although he added a few to our burgeoning bowl of greens and veges.

Frankly, if I can learn how to handle the slow pace, the dropped whisks and spatulas, the saliva licked fingertips touching every food item and adding some half-way chewed items back to the bowl, the yells for "more", the little legs trying to inconspicuously crawl up onto the chopping block to reach the olive oil and last night's bottle of wine, and the danger of topples off his chair along with accompanying screams....it's all good!

Tonight worked. If' I'm smart and pay attention, tomorrow night will too. Maybe?

Winter Racquet Sports

Actually, it was the end of January. I don't want to deceive you. We bundled and trundled through the backyard to play tennis. Yes, I said TENNIS. Blueberry was game. It was his idea; he knows the courts in the backyard are for tennis and he knows the balloons we hit around the house are poor substitutes for the 'real thing.'

Showing his forehand grip

You can see it was *mostly* fun, although walking in a marshmallow snow suit and boots on icy snow isn't always successful. Oh, and Herbie joined us for some frenetic frisbee chewing. It's life in Wisconsin, what can I say?

prepping for his Nike "Just Do It" campaign

Showing off his pearly whites (and his age)